*I have wanted to write about this for a long time, but keep on postponing.*

Masa pregnant haritu, aku ada blog-hopping blog2 stranger especially expectant mothers & mothers. Sajalah nak baca experience orang lain. I followed closely 2 blogs : pinkstilettos and aishah coz usia kandungan pun lebih kurang so best lah bila baca pengalaman diorang. Even though aku baca buku2 pregnancy, bila baca the real experience yg sama dengan kita lebih tenang rasanya hati. Takde lah risau kan.

Alkisahnya seminggu sebelum deliver, I told hubby while we were in the car on the way to the office, “rasa macam taknak beranak je. Nak simpan jer baby dlm perut. At least kalau dalam perut I can bring him everywhere so I know he is safe”. Sebab masa tu banyak cerita pasal careless caretaker & taska so rasa amat sayu nak tinggalkan baby with someone else.

After I told hubby that, I open those 2 blogs at the office. Wahh…pinkstilettos dah deliver to a baby girl time tu. Excited nyer aku. Aku bukak pulak blog aishah. Oh my God…oh my God… I can’t believe what I am reading. Air mata aku mengalir laju walaupun masa tu dekat ofis. Doctor can’t detect her baby’s heartbeat, and she had to deliver to a stillborn baby. Oh my…she was already 9 months at that time! Oh my…and people keep on saying once dah lepas 1st trimester everything should be all right. How wrong that statement is…

I shouldn’t said what I said to hubby just now. Suddenly I felt so selfish wanting to keep the baby in my tummy. Mesti lah dia nak keluar tengok dunia, main dengan daddy, nenek, angah, opah, etc. Suddenly I feel the urge to bersalin cepat2 so that I know he is healthily breathing.

Takziah to Aishah and family. She was so strong. Really strong. It was so sad what’s happening to her. No wonder masa dah nak deliver my mom kept on telling me that anak itu amanah dari Allah. Mama pesan tanggungjawab kita untuk menjaga dan mendidiknya tapi dia bukannya milik kita…My mom surely reminded me that so I will be prepared emotionally if anything to happen masa deliver.

Then last night I discovered fajar also lost his baby. Non stop air mata mengalir waktu baca blog dia. Now that I am a parent, I felt like my heart was ripped apart reading his entry. I even went to check on Ashman every 5 minutes (which was sleeping dlm babycot) to make sure he’s still breathing.

I’ve known fajar (through his reading) for quite a long time. Masa tu even facebook or friendster pun belum ada lagik. He was one of the reasons why I started blogging at the first place thus to read his grief and heartache made me full with pain. Air mata mengalir tak henti membaca cerita baby amir…the fact that he has never left the hospital for almost 9 months. The fact that he has to sip milk through tubes, tak dapat merasa menyusu bersama ibu tersayang… The pain he has to endure; betul betul menginsafkan. He was a really strong boy, full with love and strength…now he is at a happier place. Allah Maha Berkuasa…takziah buat fajar sekeluarga.


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