birthday reminder…

Prior to midnight last Wednesday, my handphone prompted a birthday reminder. I did not need to see the screen to know whose birthday is it. It was our dear friend mak yam’s birthday. I clicked ‘OK’ on my handphone and saw her face, the phone prompted: “set reminder next year?” hmm…I am motionless.

Since the birth of my son, I have never mentioned her out loud. Neither in the blog nor verbally. The truth is I remembered her so much.
I remembered her cheery smile on the graduation day.
I remembered she treated us coffee & cheesecake when she received her first salary.
I remembered she came all the way to accompany us to eat Taiping Yong Tau Foo.
I remembered how she was in pain on the hospital bed, with wires surrounding.
I remembered her peaceful face on her last day…

But to remember her makes me feel guilty. I feel guilty that I’m enjoying myself embracing the little one. I feel selfish that I’m having so much fun. Her parents even called to wish us, and hoping to see the baby. Again, I felt guilty that we have not paid them a visit since the day she passed.

Although she lives up north, I know if she is still alive she will be amongst those who would visit my baby. I know if she is still alive, she would be the one I call during my maternity leaves to share my tiredness.

To recall how much she has helped me (during my wedding, my work, my relationship) makes me full with regret that I did not spend much time with her during her suffering. I should have visits her more often. Maybe even sleepover. Bak kata orang boley kira dgn jari berapa kali jer aku visit dia. If only I knew I will never talk to her again… If only I realized how much she has suffered before it’s too late…

I know life goes on but nothing can erase what she had given me:- joy, strength, and a shoulder to cry on.. People say time will heal the pain but the reality is there is no such thing. Happy birthday dear friend. We will meet again, one day.

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