I.C.U

After Nadira informed me makyam’s latest condition (admitted to ICU due to lung infection), I told hubby that we should visit her. Perhaps during raya. Later that day, we chatted with my brother, a surgeon by profession. Shockingly, he told us that makyam has not many days left. He firmly told us give it or take, there’s only 1 week.

I looked at my office calendar. 3 more weeks before raya. 3 more weeks! I can’t stand that long to go and see her. What if anything happened? I can’t live with regrets my whole life, not after how makyam still called me to wish birthday even though she was in so much pain. I can’t celebrate raya happily if anything bad happened.

But is brother saying the truth? Then how come makyam was so calm when she called me the day before she was admitted? She nonchalantly talked about her everyday lives and asking updates about all our friends. But I don’t want to take risk. and so far my brother has never gone wrong yet on such matter. He believes that relatives and friends should know the truth so there’s no regret at the end.

So my hubby and I and some of our schoolmates cancelled our weekend plan and started planning for the saturday trip. At that time Saturday seems so long, 5 more days to go. I was so restless, can’t wait to go.

Finally Saturday came. It was exactly 1 week after she was admitted in the ICU. We arrived at the hospital on time (during the visiting hours). Me and hubby were the first one to go in with her father. There was so much I wanted to tell her. I even rehearsed my conversation in the toilet over and over again. Although she’s in coma, I believe she could hear me.

Yet once we saw her, my mind went numb. She was helplessly on the bed, breathing rapidly with the oxygen support. Her food intake is also taken through some wires. She looks so small, I don’t think that’s her actual size. Her face looks very tired and in pain.

I have to be strong. I can’t cry in front of her father. I can’t cry in front of my baby. Biggest of all, I can’t cry in front of her. But I know if I open my mouth to talk, my tears will flow non-stop. So I just let hubby talks. Thank God hubby was there.

Once we were out (giliran bebudak lain pulak), I felt so stupid why I did not talk to her. It might be my last chance. I should talk to her. She should know I was there, with my baby. So at 1.40pm (visiting hours is only 12-2pm), we went back inside again. This time I was determined. I need to be courageous for her.

It took me a few minutes, but at last I opened my mouth. I talked a bit. Told her we all love her. I think I kept on repeating the same lines over and over again. But I don’t care. Somehow I think she knew I was there. Then time was up, we need to leave.

Still there’s so much I wanted to tell her; to tell her that we missed her. to tell her what we are going to name our baby. I wanted to ask for her forgiveness. I should list it all down! Damn it.

We left shortly after that. Time isn’t really on our side. If only she was admitted at KL, I’ll visit her everyday. Bak kata Sue, kalau lah kita boleh terbang…

Mariam passed away on Nuzul Quran day, 4 days after our visit

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